You know why I find it hard to fully recover from anorexia? I mean to fully let go of the control around food, to stop keeping track of every single thing I put in my mouth, to compensate way ahead if I know a big meal is coming up? I am (fortunately) much less rigid about eating than I was at my worst, but I still find it difficult to fully recover because it scares me.
Why it scares me is a different matter. I'm not sure. Partly I think it is because I'm afraid to become invisible when I reach "normality". If I blend in with everyone else, won't I get lost? But then this is a pretty lousy argument, because it implies that I enjoy the "uniqueness" I get from being this slim. Which I don't. Not really. I hate knowing that others might perceive me as weak, fragile even. I hate that they can't see the strong person I feel lives inside of me. And I hate that they see my controlled self, the one who won't order the lasagna at the Italian restaurant even though that's what she really wants. The one who sips black coffee but declines the chocolate chip cookie. That's not somebody I want to be. I want to be vibrant. Full of life, energy, joy. I want to happily munch away at that chocolate chip cookie while talking and laughing with friends, not even thinking twice about it.
So my fear of losing the identity that anorexia provides me with is actually very irrational. The anorexic identity sucks. But I guess the fear of the unknown, and the possibility of becoming completely invisible, scares me even more.
I'm not saying I want to stay anorexic. I honestly don't. I'm writing this to understand myself, because sometimes I don't even make sense to myself. Seeing this in print makes it all the more illogical, weird, crazy. It shows me that I can't go on like this. I can't deny myself all the pleasures of life simply because of fear. Especially fear which isn't well-founded. I need to build up courage now, because I am sick and tired of living with food in my head. Instead, I want food in my life, as a natural part of my life. It shouldn't be something that torments me, but something that sustains me, nourishes me, enables me to live the full life I lead.
I'm setting myself a big challenge for the coming week. I'll tell you all about it later. It's time to start working. This isn't going to pass by itself. I know that by now.
x
Saturday 1 May 2010
Friday 30 April 2010
Running eye candy
You might have gathered by now that I enjoy my morning runs, but today's run was particularly great. There I was, just breathing along, not really into anything but the rhythm of my own steps or my iPod's lovely company. And then, all of a sudden, I notice the cutest pair of legs about ten meters away from me. Or maybe cute is the wrong adjective here. Manly, well-defined muscles, just a little bit hairy, tanned.
The past few years, ever since I got my ED, I've essentially been on temporary leave from the whole dating scene. There have been some guys, and usually being romantically involved has been extremely good for me. It makes me motivated, want to eat well again and gain weight to that healthy person that used to be me. But apart from a few successes, I've been pretty locked up into myself and had very little interest in guys, or self-confidence to pursue them for that matter.
So maybe it's very high-school to write about this in my blog here today, but whenever I do have moments when I feel the least bit interested, romantic, emotional or sexual, I see that as a very good sign. It makes me happy to know I'm NOT dead inside. I've just been resting.
Therefore, I just enjoyed it this morning. I had to speed up a bit to keep up with the guy, so that was an added bonus. I found extra reserves and ran faster than I normally do, finally returning home feeling very pleasantly tired. And while I was running there behind him, I just had to laugh. I was literally chasing after a guy. Or maybe chasing after love rather, because of course this guy wasn't anything but a representation of love and romance for me. But I know that I feel really lonely sometÃmes, and that I do long for intimacy. I think I've broken far enough out of my anorexia to start wanting more. I'm getting hungry for life. And I love how this morning reminded me so clearly of that fact.
x
The past few years, ever since I got my ED, I've essentially been on temporary leave from the whole dating scene. There have been some guys, and usually being romantically involved has been extremely good for me. It makes me motivated, want to eat well again and gain weight to that healthy person that used to be me. But apart from a few successes, I've been pretty locked up into myself and had very little interest in guys, or self-confidence to pursue them for that matter.
So maybe it's very high-school to write about this in my blog here today, but whenever I do have moments when I feel the least bit interested, romantic, emotional or sexual, I see that as a very good sign. It makes me happy to know I'm NOT dead inside. I've just been resting.
Therefore, I just enjoyed it this morning. I had to speed up a bit to keep up with the guy, so that was an added bonus. I found extra reserves and ran faster than I normally do, finally returning home feeling very pleasantly tired. And while I was running there behind him, I just had to laugh. I was literally chasing after a guy. Or maybe chasing after love rather, because of course this guy wasn't anything but a representation of love and romance for me. But I know that I feel really lonely sometÃmes, and that I do long for intimacy. I think I've broken far enough out of my anorexia to start wanting more. I'm getting hungry for life. And I love how this morning reminded me so clearly of that fact.
x
Thursday 29 April 2010
Procrastination...
As you know, I'm in the middle of my revision period. So much fun... or not. Every day is the same. It's basically all about getting up, working as much as you possibly can, and crash into bed when your eyes won't stay open any longer.
I try to do other things as well, to stay sane. Watch a bit of tv. Have coffee with a friend. Go for a run. Phone home. But evenings can get tough. I just want to kick back and relax, but that's when I need to find motivation for those last two hours of work. It's not easy.
I've worked quite well during the day today. I want to finish strong too, so I'll put in another couple of hours now and try to really focus. Hey- it could be worse. I'm not bingeing- isn't that amazing? Two weeks free today. Absolutely fantastic. Bingeing was a great way to distract myself from work, but then all that guilt and disgust came from it... and the next day I spent waaaay too much time atoning for my "sins"- going out for an extra long run, thinking about food, planning food, and then in the end giving in to the next binge. Feeling even worse of course as I did so.
I'm not bingeing now. But I realise I find something instead of the bingeing to make me feel okay about work. There was a reason for my eating. It fulfilled a purpose, even if it did so badly. I need to have something else to comfort me when I feel unmotivated or need to focus on myself. Just not as destructive as the overeating. Tonight's feel-good will be the promise of relaxation. At eleven, I'll call it a day and stop working. I'll watch some tv- really curious about The Hills- is it any good? Or maybe just Two and a Half Men or Friends or something. And I'll put on a nice face mask and just sit and breathe with it. And then I'll go to bed and read a chapter of my book- which I really enjoy! (tell you about it as soon as I've finished it)- before I drift off. I sleep like a baby these days, which I'm so grateful for.
So with this lovely evening planned ahead, all I need to do is focus for a little while longer on work. That shouldn't be too hard.
Lots of love to all of you.
x
I try to do other things as well, to stay sane. Watch a bit of tv. Have coffee with a friend. Go for a run. Phone home. But evenings can get tough. I just want to kick back and relax, but that's when I need to find motivation for those last two hours of work. It's not easy.
I've worked quite well during the day today. I want to finish strong too, so I'll put in another couple of hours now and try to really focus. Hey- it could be worse. I'm not bingeing- isn't that amazing? Two weeks free today. Absolutely fantastic. Bingeing was a great way to distract myself from work, but then all that guilt and disgust came from it... and the next day I spent waaaay too much time atoning for my "sins"- going out for an extra long run, thinking about food, planning food, and then in the end giving in to the next binge. Feeling even worse of course as I did so.
I'm not bingeing now. But I realise I find something instead of the bingeing to make me feel okay about work. There was a reason for my eating. It fulfilled a purpose, even if it did so badly. I need to have something else to comfort me when I feel unmotivated or need to focus on myself. Just not as destructive as the overeating. Tonight's feel-good will be the promise of relaxation. At eleven, I'll call it a day and stop working. I'll watch some tv- really curious about The Hills- is it any good? Or maybe just Two and a Half Men or Friends or something. And I'll put on a nice face mask and just sit and breathe with it. And then I'll go to bed and read a chapter of my book- which I really enjoy! (tell you about it as soon as I've finished it)- before I drift off. I sleep like a baby these days, which I'm so grateful for.
So with this lovely evening planned ahead, all I need to do is focus for a little while longer on work. That shouldn't be too hard.
Lots of love to all of you.
x
Wednesday 28 April 2010
A little bit low
Yep. That's how I feel today. And I can't even say why. Nothing's wrong, really. Things are going quite well. I haven't binged for nearly two weeks now, and I don't worry that I'll start anytime soon. I've lost the urge, and this is amazing. But I'm still not feeling great.
Is it the anorexia? Thinking that she now has a place in my life again, so therefore wanting to poke her head in? I don't know. What I do know is that the last thing I want to invite into my life is anorexia (again), so I need to work hard with myself now. Try to find joy in everyday life. Try to reach out more- I feel so much more alive when I manage to be social and open up. The only problem is that this is revision period, and people aren't particularly sociable right now, myself included. Anything more than a short break from the library feels excessive. But I'll try.
I also need to slowly improve my eating. Start applying the mindful eating that seems to have saved me from bingeing to the anorexia instead. I need to be more spontaneous. If I feel like an extra roll of bread for dinner, that's okay. Right now, anything extra seems horribly forbidden. But until I start really playing along with my body and listening to my own cues, I will just keep this separation between body and mind forever. This is the time to unite them. My own inner picture of myself is as the person I used to be. Strong, vibrant, healthy, happy, full of energy. Didn't care about food at all- I had to eat loads to keep up with my busy life! Then control and obsession and depression entered. But I still see myself as that strong and confident girl, just trapped in a too slim body that makes her look weak in the eyes of others. I'm dying to make the outer fit the inner picture. NOW.
x
Is it the anorexia? Thinking that she now has a place in my life again, so therefore wanting to poke her head in? I don't know. What I do know is that the last thing I want to invite into my life is anorexia (again), so I need to work hard with myself now. Try to find joy in everyday life. Try to reach out more- I feel so much more alive when I manage to be social and open up. The only problem is that this is revision period, and people aren't particularly sociable right now, myself included. Anything more than a short break from the library feels excessive. But I'll try.
I also need to slowly improve my eating. Start applying the mindful eating that seems to have saved me from bingeing to the anorexia instead. I need to be more spontaneous. If I feel like an extra roll of bread for dinner, that's okay. Right now, anything extra seems horribly forbidden. But until I start really playing along with my body and listening to my own cues, I will just keep this separation between body and mind forever. This is the time to unite them. My own inner picture of myself is as the person I used to be. Strong, vibrant, healthy, happy, full of energy. Didn't care about food at all- I had to eat loads to keep up with my busy life! Then control and obsession and depression entered. But I still see myself as that strong and confident girl, just trapped in a too slim body that makes her look weak in the eyes of others. I'm dying to make the outer fit the inner picture. NOW.
x
Tuesday 27 April 2010
Priority number ONE
Not running today. I've told you how I find this quite hard before, and today it really is difficult. Nothing palpable, just a horrible gnawing feeling within that keeps telling me I'm so "bad" today. Haven't done enough, haven't been healthy/useful/good/perfect enough. It's a surprisingly strong voice. But I need to block it out. I can't fall into a cycle where I need to exercise every single day of the week in order to feel okay about myself. Especially now with exams coming up. Since I refuse to let exercise take any time away from my work (being somewhat of an over-achiever and perfectionist when it comes to my studies... okay, a massive perfectionist), I tend to cut down on sleep to get time to exercise. And in the long run, even I can see that isn't going to do me any favours for the exams...
Therefore, you evil little voice screaming inside of me: NO. I'm not going to go running today. I look forward to a nice run tomorrow, but today I'm resting. That's healthy and normal and good for me. And you keep telling me I haven't been "useful" today therefore..? Well, instead of running I'll spend an hour in the sun with a friend. And I'll work hard with revision, since I'm really starting to feel a bit stressed. Those are genuinely "good" things for me, too. Stop being so black and white about everything. Just because I'm not running doesn't mean I'm not doing anything worthwhile. I just need to start prioritising myself, and realise that giving yourself time for yourself, time to rest and to interact socially is just as valuable as exercising- probably MORE valuable.
x
Therefore, you evil little voice screaming inside of me: NO. I'm not going to go running today. I look forward to a nice run tomorrow, but today I'm resting. That's healthy and normal and good for me. And you keep telling me I haven't been "useful" today therefore..? Well, instead of running I'll spend an hour in the sun with a friend. And I'll work hard with revision, since I'm really starting to feel a bit stressed. Those are genuinely "good" things for me, too. Stop being so black and white about everything. Just because I'm not running doesn't mean I'm not doing anything worthwhile. I just need to start prioritising myself, and realise that giving yourself time for yourself, time to rest and to interact socially is just as valuable as exercising- probably MORE valuable.
x
Monday 26 April 2010
A bit of luxury
I feel like treating myself today. Now, this is rare. I very seldom want to buy anything for myself. Quite sad, really, because I wish I were the kind of person who could go out, buy something slightly extravagant once in a while and feel genuinely good afterwards. Happy. Satisfied. Instead, I've often felt pretty empty. Or if I did feel anything, more often than not it was guilt or shame for spending money on worthless things that didn't even make me feel that good.
Where am I going with this? Well, today I actually do feel like spoiling myself. And amazingly enough, I even know what I want! A few days ago, I got some samples of skincare products- cleanser, toner and stuff like that- and have been using them (quite sparingly) since then. And I love them! Feels great on my skin, and maybe it's just in my mind, but my face does look a teeny, tiny bit more fresh and clear in the mirror.
So I figure since this voice saying "I want" so rarely pops into my head, I should welcome this. Embrace the fact that I for once desire something and dare express it. Right now it's skincare products, maybe tomorrow it's food (not in the bingeing way, but just in a normal healthy way of wanting something tasty). Who knows?
I'm doing a few more hours of work now, then meeting up with a supervisor to go over a presentation I need to do (nervous!) and after that, I think a quick trip to the store will make me feel so much better about the late night revision I have to look forward to!
x
Where am I going with this? Well, today I actually do feel like spoiling myself. And amazingly enough, I even know what I want! A few days ago, I got some samples of skincare products- cleanser, toner and stuff like that- and have been using them (quite sparingly) since then. And I love them! Feels great on my skin, and maybe it's just in my mind, but my face does look a teeny, tiny bit more fresh and clear in the mirror.
So I figure since this voice saying "I want" so rarely pops into my head, I should welcome this. Embrace the fact that I for once desire something and dare express it. Right now it's skincare products, maybe tomorrow it's food (not in the bingeing way, but just in a normal healthy way of wanting something tasty). Who knows?
I'm doing a few more hours of work now, then meeting up with a supervisor to go over a presentation I need to do (nervous!) and after that, I think a quick trip to the store will make me feel so much better about the late night revision I have to look forward to!
x
Saturday 24 April 2010
Black tie dinner
I'm off in just a little while. Really shouldn't even be posting this- I should be getting dressed! Haven't even decided what to wear yet!
But- I wanted to write in with a quick hello. I've had a quite up-and-down day. Bad because my work hasn't been going well at all. Can't focus, don't even know where to start with the many many things I need to do... But good, because I had a beautiful morning run and have this evening to look forward to. I don't even care that it's three courses plus cheese plus alcohol and calories all over the place. I'm going to enjoy the company and try to eat as much as I truly feel like. Normally, this scares me since I've been known to get back from an extravagant dinner and STILL binge. Which sends my anorectic self into hell. But tonight I feel much more relaxed- I haven't binged in over a week, and that is not just due to self-restraint. I feel like I'm starting to deal with the emotional issues causing me to reach for the cookies now. And so it feels easier to go eat a big dinner now, because I can fully enjoy it without finishing off with a destructive binge.
Have a lovely evening.
x
But- I wanted to write in with a quick hello. I've had a quite up-and-down day. Bad because my work hasn't been going well at all. Can't focus, don't even know where to start with the many many things I need to do... But good, because I had a beautiful morning run and have this evening to look forward to. I don't even care that it's three courses plus cheese plus alcohol and calories all over the place. I'm going to enjoy the company and try to eat as much as I truly feel like. Normally, this scares me since I've been known to get back from an extravagant dinner and STILL binge. Which sends my anorectic self into hell. But tonight I feel much more relaxed- I haven't binged in over a week, and that is not just due to self-restraint. I feel like I'm starting to deal with the emotional issues causing me to reach for the cookies now. And so it feels easier to go eat a big dinner now, because I can fully enjoy it without finishing off with a destructive binge.
Have a lovely evening.
x
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