I'm off to the library to work. All day. Except for a tiny break which I believe has to be outdoors, because this weather is just so beautiful it hurts to be inside.
Just wanted to check in and set an intent for this sunny April Friday. Today I want to face the day with a big smile and see how many smiles I can elicit back. I want to enjoy the day to the fullest. And on a more practical note, I'm going to have a nice big cappuccino with my sister without thinking even twice about it. Liquid calories have been a huge fear of mine. But honestly, it's just a bit of coffee topped off with some milk that is really only doing me good. It's strengthening my bones. And I want my bones to last and hold me up for a long time to come. So I'll truly enjoy that coffee, and more importantly, my sister's company.
That's my intent for today. What's yours?
x
Friday, 23 April 2010
Thursday, 22 April 2010
What the hell?
Pardon my language. But as you know I've been cruising around these past few days in a newfound state of slightly introverted focus, where I try to tune into myself and really understand my emotions. Why do I want to eat or why don't I? What is food compensating for in my life? Or who am I trying to prove myself to when I restrict myself to feel like I'm being "good"?
Well, all that thinking is working really well. I feel more in touch with myself than for a long time. And so much calmer. A few days free of bingeing has already made me relax a bit. I feel myself starting to address the anorexia again, which I haven't done for ages since the overeating felt so much more intense. After all, I'd lived with anorexia for a few years before the binges came along and scared me senseless. However, now that I'm starting to feel more and more confident that I won't stuff myself at the end of the day, I'm beginning to think about really allowing myself to eat more during the day. Honestly, the only one affected by whether or not I have an extra banana or a latte or a yoghurt... is me. And I need to start taking care of me.
Anyway. I'm digressing. In my very thoughtful mode today (out in the gorgeous sunshine- I'm so excited, I've got tan lines!) I realised something quite annoying. Frustrating. Enfuriating.
I get angry with myself when I get hungry.
I know, that is a horrible thing to admit to. But it's true. And just writing it reinforces how crazy it is. My body is amazing. It's put up with years of self-torture and still carries me strong every day. I've demanded exercise and hard work from it without compensating it in the least, and it's obediently helped me out again and again. Yet when it asks me for just a little afternoon snack, I get angry.
I clearly have some more thinking to do.
x
Well, all that thinking is working really well. I feel more in touch with myself than for a long time. And so much calmer. A few days free of bingeing has already made me relax a bit. I feel myself starting to address the anorexia again, which I haven't done for ages since the overeating felt so much more intense. After all, I'd lived with anorexia for a few years before the binges came along and scared me senseless. However, now that I'm starting to feel more and more confident that I won't stuff myself at the end of the day, I'm beginning to think about really allowing myself to eat more during the day. Honestly, the only one affected by whether or not I have an extra banana or a latte or a yoghurt... is me. And I need to start taking care of me.
Anyway. I'm digressing. In my very thoughtful mode today (out in the gorgeous sunshine- I'm so excited, I've got tan lines!) I realised something quite annoying. Frustrating. Enfuriating.
I get angry with myself when I get hungry.
I know, that is a horrible thing to admit to. But it's true. And just writing it reinforces how crazy it is. My body is amazing. It's put up with years of self-torture and still carries me strong every day. I've demanded exercise and hard work from it without compensating it in the least, and it's obediently helped me out again and again. Yet when it asks me for just a little afternoon snack, I get angry.
I clearly have some more thinking to do.
x
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Exercise-less
I really love to run. Honest to God. This is not something my anorexic self has convinced me of so that she can burn off more calories and torture me more efficiently. It's just a genuine passion of mine. Running for me- preferably early in the morning- is meditation. Time for myself. Thinking time, awakening time, energising time. It's one of the few times when I can appreciate my body and when I feel that body and mind connect. And it helps me with eating, because it makes me hungry and it makes me want to refuel.
But however much I love it, I can't do it every day.
This past week has been beautiful and sunny. I've wanted to go out every morning. And I have. Up until today. Exercise is great, but I realise that it can't be done everyday. That's borderline obsession. And going from a food obsession to exercise obsession just doesn't feel very appealing to me... I don't want this to become excessive.
I therefore tried to "trick" myself this morning. I set my alarm a bit later, so that I woke up at the time when I normally come back from my run. To discourage myself from putting on those running shoes. And I can tell you, it was hard! I stood like an indecisive idiot for a while, looking out at the sunny day, contemplating whether or not I should go out for a run anyway. I didn't in the end. I took a shower, and reasoned with myself that I could always go later in the afternoon if the urge was too overwhelming. But here's the good thing- once I got into my day and the afternoon came along, I felt fine. The habit of running in the morning made me crave it badly when I was just out of bed, but once I broke that habitual urge, it completely subsided.
So tonight I'm feeling pretty good. I gave my body a well-deserved rest, and I'm not feeling any urges to binge. I still have miles to go, but you've got to appreciate the small things.
How are you all doing?
Mamie x
But however much I love it, I can't do it every day.
This past week has been beautiful and sunny. I've wanted to go out every morning. And I have. Up until today. Exercise is great, but I realise that it can't be done everyday. That's borderline obsession. And going from a food obsession to exercise obsession just doesn't feel very appealing to me... I don't want this to become excessive.
I therefore tried to "trick" myself this morning. I set my alarm a bit later, so that I woke up at the time when I normally come back from my run. To discourage myself from putting on those running shoes. And I can tell you, it was hard! I stood like an indecisive idiot for a while, looking out at the sunny day, contemplating whether or not I should go out for a run anyway. I didn't in the end. I took a shower, and reasoned with myself that I could always go later in the afternoon if the urge was too overwhelming. But here's the good thing- once I got into my day and the afternoon came along, I felt fine. The habit of running in the morning made me crave it badly when I was just out of bed, but once I broke that habitual urge, it completely subsided.
So tonight I'm feeling pretty good. I gave my body a well-deserved rest, and I'm not feeling any urges to binge. I still have miles to go, but you've got to appreciate the small things.
How are you all doing?
Mamie x
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
From my kitchen window
It's getting dark outside and I'm tired of work. My mind keeps wandering, off to where my real focus is these days. On getting better. Finally freeing myself from this. It feels like it's within reach now. I've had cookies and chocolates in my room for days now without touching them. More importantly, without the desire to. And I've also given some serious thought to what I want from all this. I don't want to put myself back in a place where I don't eat anything, deny myself all things good and get anorexic again. As much as I must realise when I really don't feel like eating something, I must dare admit when I actually do.
I stood for a moment today just watching people on the street from my kitchen window. Walking by. So many people, so different and unique, each and every one. Their weight was such a small part of who they were for that brief moment they passed. If I had seen myself walking past, ten pounds more or less on my body would have made a very small difference to how I looked.
Today, for the first time in a very long time, the thought came to me for a split second. This weight obsession doesn't matter to anyone else in the whole world but me. Why complicate my life because of it?
Mamie x
I stood for a moment today just watching people on the street from my kitchen window. Walking by. So many people, so different and unique, each and every one. Their weight was such a small part of who they were for that brief moment they passed. If I had seen myself walking past, ten pounds more or less on my body would have made a very small difference to how I looked.
Today, for the first time in a very long time, the thought came to me for a split second. This weight obsession doesn't matter to anyone else in the whole world but me. Why complicate my life because of it?
Mamie x
Monday, 19 April 2010
Healing
Sorry for the poor updates. I've been feeling so weird lately- not necessarily in a bad way. I've just felt a very strong need to take care of myself, withdraw a bit, be on my own and simply allow myself to feel. I've known for so long that my battle with food has not been about food. Not at all. But it feels as if I haven't really started addressing just what it's actually been about until just now. So I haven't really been myself. I've been very... contemplative. Is that a word?
And even if I feel more vulnerable than ever before in my entire life, I think this is a really good thing. I think I'm starting to tap into myself a bit. I listen to my iPod whenever I go anywhere, basically shutting out the world so I can be alone with my thoughts. Extremely anti-social, but so helpful right now. I've been much more emotional and I've tried to really make sense of my own hunger signals (which are pretty lousy but still there, buried deep down somewhere, I hope!). The best part is that my evenings have been so peaceful. I haven't binged. One night I did eat more than I'd set out to initially, but it was different from how it normally is. I didn't hysterically eat more and more and more. I managed to stop. You know why? I think it was because I really thought about why I wanted those extra cookies. I'd been in thinking mode all day, so it was easy to continue analysing myself(normally I never have time to stop myself before the whole box of cookies is devoured). And when I accepted that I ate the cookies because I was feeling a bit down and lonely, my desire for them wasn't as great anymore.
I'm in a slightly difficult position, because I'm trying to recover from both binges and anorexia at the same time. Seems contradictory at first. But maybe it doesn't have to be. If I learn to really listen to my own body, my hunger and most importantly my emotions, then maybe I'll be able to free myself from both eating disorders. Because really, they both come from the same underlying problem, don't they?
Hope you're all well. Lots of love.
Mamie x
And even if I feel more vulnerable than ever before in my entire life, I think this is a really good thing. I think I'm starting to tap into myself a bit. I listen to my iPod whenever I go anywhere, basically shutting out the world so I can be alone with my thoughts. Extremely anti-social, but so helpful right now. I've been much more emotional and I've tried to really make sense of my own hunger signals (which are pretty lousy but still there, buried deep down somewhere, I hope!). The best part is that my evenings have been so peaceful. I haven't binged. One night I did eat more than I'd set out to initially, but it was different from how it normally is. I didn't hysterically eat more and more and more. I managed to stop. You know why? I think it was because I really thought about why I wanted those extra cookies. I'd been in thinking mode all day, so it was easy to continue analysing myself(normally I never have time to stop myself before the whole box of cookies is devoured). And when I accepted that I ate the cookies because I was feeling a bit down and lonely, my desire for them wasn't as great anymore.
I'm in a slightly difficult position, because I'm trying to recover from both binges and anorexia at the same time. Seems contradictory at first. But maybe it doesn't have to be. If I learn to really listen to my own body, my hunger and most importantly my emotions, then maybe I'll be able to free myself from both eating disorders. Because really, they both come from the same underlying problem, don't they?
Hope you're all well. Lots of love.
Mamie x
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Keep going
Yesterday did go quite well. I lost some control just before going to bed- apples and a few cookies swallowed at an impressive speed- but I'm not going to be too hard on myself. I know why it happened and I should learn from it instead of feel awful about it. So, lesson learned? Don't let the day go by with too little food- even if I don't feel hungry, it will just result in a binge later on. My body will rebel against the anorexic control, and in all fairness it's actually entitled to do so. It takes me through so much, every day, and yet I expect it to live on next to nothing? A second lesson: don't reach for the apples when you know it's the cookies you're craving. You'll end up going for the cookies later on anyway, and feel a thousand times worse. A person with normal eating behaviour (does that exist anymore?) would eat whatever he/she desired at the moment. And then he/she would probably stop, because that desire would have been fulfilled.
For today, I'm keeping these things in mind. I started off the morning with a short run to get outdoors and get some fresh air, and it woke me up in the best of ways. Now I've had a solid breakfast and feel really satisfied, ready to start studying. And for lunch, I'm going out with a friend. I've made a promise to myself NOT to choose the food item on the menu with the least amount of calories. Whatever I pick should last me properly so I don't set myself up for a binge tonight. And it should be something I really have an appetite for. Although to be honest, my appetite is very difficult to interpret these days. I just don't know for sure what I want. Well, that's a whole new topic in itself...
Hope you have a really good day everyone!
Mamie x
For today, I'm keeping these things in mind. I started off the morning with a short run to get outdoors and get some fresh air, and it woke me up in the best of ways. Now I've had a solid breakfast and feel really satisfied, ready to start studying. And for lunch, I'm going out with a friend. I've made a promise to myself NOT to choose the food item on the menu with the least amount of calories. Whatever I pick should last me properly so I don't set myself up for a binge tonight. And it should be something I really have an appetite for. Although to be honest, my appetite is very difficult to interpret these days. I just don't know for sure what I want. Well, that's a whole new topic in itself...
Hope you have a really good day everyone!
Mamie x
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
Wednesday update
Today I'm not working out. Nor am I starving myself. Or bingeing. I'm trying very hard to make this a good day. So far it's looking alright:)
I don't want to be anorexic, but I don't want to overeat either. All I want is freedom from the thought prison I feel caught in most days. I want to eat throughout the day, feel comfortably full and then NOT think about food the rest of the time. Isn't it ironic how anorexics go around thinking about food constantly? Well, I think I've done my fair share of that now- time to move on and think about life, relationships, things that actually matter.
So today. No exercise. It's not healthy to work out every single day. It's just a sick way of calming my conscience. And I'm trying to eat "normally". Just pretending I'm normal can sometimes work. Today I'm not Mamie who always tries to eat as little as possible- I'm a strong, healthy, active young woman who needs energy to lead the busy life she has.
I'm feeling optimistic.
Mamie x
I don't want to be anorexic, but I don't want to overeat either. All I want is freedom from the thought prison I feel caught in most days. I want to eat throughout the day, feel comfortably full and then NOT think about food the rest of the time. Isn't it ironic how anorexics go around thinking about food constantly? Well, I think I've done my fair share of that now- time to move on and think about life, relationships, things that actually matter.
So today. No exercise. It's not healthy to work out every single day. It's just a sick way of calming my conscience. And I'm trying to eat "normally". Just pretending I'm normal can sometimes work. Today I'm not Mamie who always tries to eat as little as possible- I'm a strong, healthy, active young woman who needs energy to lead the busy life she has.
I'm feeling optimistic.
Mamie x
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