Some courage please

You know why I find it hard to fully recover from anorexia? I mean to fully let go of the control around food, to stop keeping track of every single thing I put in my mouth, to compensate way ahead if I know a big meal is coming up? I am (fortunately) much less rigid about eating than I was at my worst, but I still find it difficult to fully recover because it scares me.

Why it scares me is a different matter. I'm not sure. Partly I think it is because I'm afraid to become invisible when I reach "normality". If I blend in with everyone else, won't I get lost? But then this is a pretty lousy argument, because it implies that I enjoy the "uniqueness" I get from being this slim. Which I don't. Not really. I hate knowing that others might perceive me as weak, fragile even. I hate that they can't see the strong person I feel lives inside of me. And I hate that they see my controlled self, the one who won't order the lasagna at the Italian restaurant even though that's what she really wants. The one who sips black coffee but declines the chocolate chip cookie. That's not somebody I want to be. I want to be vibrant. Full of life, energy, joy. I want to happily munch away at that chocolate chip cookie while talking and laughing with friends, not even thinking twice about it.

So my fear of losing the identity that anorexia provides me with is actually very irrational. The anorexic identity sucks. But I guess the fear of the unknown, and the possibility of becoming completely invisible, scares me even more.

I'm not saying I want to stay anorexic. I honestly don't. I'm writing this to understand myself, because sometimes I don't even make sense to myself. Seeing this in print makes it all the more illogical, weird, crazy. It shows me that I can't go on like this. I can't deny myself all the pleasures of life simply because of fear. Especially fear which isn't well-founded. I need to build up courage now, because I am sick and tired of living with food in my head. Instead, I want food in my life, as a natural part of my life. It shouldn't be something that torments me, but something that sustains me, nourishes me, enables me to live the full life I lead.

I'm setting myself a big challenge for the coming week. I'll tell you all about it later. It's time to start working. This isn't going to pass by itself. I know that by now.

x