Some courage please

You know why I find it hard to fully recover from anorexia? I mean to fully let go of the control around food, to stop keeping track of every single thing I put in my mouth, to compensate way ahead if I know a big meal is coming up? I am (fortunately) much less rigid about eating than I was at my worst, but I still find it difficult to fully recover because it scares me.

Why it scares me is a different matter. I'm not sure. Partly I think it is because I'm afraid to become invisible when I reach "normality". If I blend in with everyone else, won't I get lost? But then this is a pretty lousy argument, because it implies that I enjoy the "uniqueness" I get from being this slim. Which I don't. Not really. I hate knowing that others might perceive me as weak, fragile even. I hate that they can't see the strong person I feel lives inside of me. And I hate that they see my controlled self, the one who won't order the lasagna at the Italian restaurant even though that's what she really wants. The one who sips black coffee but declines the chocolate chip cookie. That's not somebody I want to be. I want to be vibrant. Full of life, energy, joy. I want to happily munch away at that chocolate chip cookie while talking and laughing with friends, not even thinking twice about it.

So my fear of losing the identity that anorexia provides me with is actually very irrational. The anorexic identity sucks. But I guess the fear of the unknown, and the possibility of becoming completely invisible, scares me even more.

I'm not saying I want to stay anorexic. I honestly don't. I'm writing this to understand myself, because sometimes I don't even make sense to myself. Seeing this in print makes it all the more illogical, weird, crazy. It shows me that I can't go on like this. I can't deny myself all the pleasures of life simply because of fear. Especially fear which isn't well-founded. I need to build up courage now, because I am sick and tired of living with food in my head. Instead, I want food in my life, as a natural part of my life. It shouldn't be something that torments me, but something that sustains me, nourishes me, enables me to live the full life I lead.

I'm setting myself a big challenge for the coming week. I'll tell you all about it later. It's time to start working. This isn't going to pass by itself. I know that by now.

x

Running eye candy

You might have gathered by now that I enjoy my morning runs, but today's run was particularly great. There I was, just breathing along, not really into anything but the rhythm of my own steps or my iPod's lovely company. And then, all of a sudden, I notice the cutest pair of legs about ten meters away from me. Or maybe cute is the wrong adjective here. Manly, well-defined muscles, just a little bit hairy, tanned.

The past few years, ever since I got my ED, I've essentially been on temporary leave from the whole dating scene. There have been some guys, and usually being romantically involved has been extremely good for me. It makes me motivated, want to eat well again and gain weight to that healthy person that used to be me. But apart from a few successes, I've been pretty locked up into myself and had very little interest in guys, or self-confidence to pursue them for that matter.

So maybe it's very high-school to write about this in my blog here today, but whenever I do have moments when I feel the least bit interested, romantic, emotional or sexual, I see that as a very good sign. It makes me happy to know I'm NOT dead inside. I've just been resting.

Therefore, I just enjoyed it this morning. I had to speed up a bit to keep up with the guy, so that was an added bonus. I found extra reserves and ran faster than I normally do, finally returning home feeling very pleasantly tired. And while I was running there behind him, I just had to laugh. I was literally chasing after a guy. Or maybe chasing after love rather, because of course this guy wasn't anything but a representation of love and romance for me. But I know that I feel really lonely sometímes, and that I do long for intimacy. I think I've broken far enough out of my anorexia to start wanting more. I'm getting hungry for life. And I love how this morning reminded me so clearly of that fact.

x

Procrastination...

As you know, I'm in the middle of my revision period. So much fun... or not. Every day is the same. It's basically all about getting up, working as much as you possibly can, and crash into bed when your eyes won't stay open any longer.

I try to do other things as well, to stay sane. Watch a bit of tv. Have coffee with a friend. Go for a run. Phone home. But evenings can get tough. I just want to kick back and relax, but that's when I need to find motivation for those last two hours of work. It's not easy.

I've worked quite well during the day today. I want to finish strong too, so I'll put in another couple of hours now and try to really focus. Hey- it could be worse. I'm not bingeing- isn't that amazing? Two weeks free today. Absolutely fantastic. Bingeing was a great way to distract myself from work, but then all that guilt and disgust came from it... and the next day I spent waaaay too much time atoning for my "sins"- going out for an extra long run, thinking about food, planning food, and then in the end giving in to the next binge. Feeling even worse of course as I did so.

I'm not bingeing now. But I realise I find something instead of the bingeing to make me feel okay about work. There was a reason for my eating. It fulfilled a purpose, even if it did so badly. I need to have something else to comfort me when I feel unmotivated or need to focus on myself. Just not as destructive as the overeating. Tonight's feel-good will be the promise of relaxation. At eleven, I'll call it a day and stop working. I'll watch some tv- really curious about The Hills- is it any good? Or maybe just Two and a Half Men or Friends or something. And I'll put on a nice face mask and just sit and breathe with it. And then I'll go to bed and read a chapter of my book- which I really enjoy! (tell you about it as soon as I've finished it)- before I drift off. I sleep like a baby these days, which I'm so grateful for.

So with this lovely evening planned ahead, all I need to do is focus for a little while longer on work. That shouldn't be too hard.

Lots of love to all of you.

x

A little bit low

Yep. That's how I feel today. And I can't even say why. Nothing's wrong, really. Things are going quite well. I haven't binged for nearly two weeks now, and I don't worry that I'll start anytime soon. I've lost the urge, and this is amazing. But I'm still not feeling great.

Is it the anorexia? Thinking that she now has a place in my life again, so therefore wanting to poke her head in? I don't know. What I do know is that the last thing I want to invite into my life is anorexia (again), so I need to work hard with myself now. Try to find joy in everyday life. Try to reach out more- I feel so much more alive when I manage to be social and open up. The only problem is that this is revision period, and people aren't particularly sociable right now, myself included. Anything more than a short break from the library feels excessive. But I'll try.

I also need to slowly improve my eating. Start applying the mindful eating that seems to have saved me from bingeing to the anorexia instead. I need to be more spontaneous. If I feel like an extra roll of bread for dinner, that's okay. Right now, anything extra seems horribly forbidden. But until I start really playing along with my body and listening to my own cues, I will just keep this separation between body and mind forever. This is the time to unite them. My own inner picture of myself is as the person I used to be. Strong, vibrant, healthy, happy, full of energy. Didn't care about food at all- I had to eat loads to keep up with my busy life! Then control and obsession and depression entered. But I still see myself as that strong and confident girl, just trapped in a too slim body that makes her look weak in the eyes of others. I'm dying to make the outer fit the inner picture. NOW.

x

Priority number ONE

Not running today. I've told you how I find this quite hard before, and today it really is difficult. Nothing palpable, just a horrible gnawing feeling within that keeps telling me I'm so "bad" today. Haven't done enough, haven't been healthy/useful/good/perfect enough. It's a surprisingly strong voice. But I need to block it out. I can't fall into a cycle where I need to exercise every single day of the week in order to feel okay about myself. Especially now with exams coming up. Since I refuse to let exercise take any time away from my work (being somewhat of an over-achiever and perfectionist when it comes to my studies... okay, a massive perfectionist), I tend to cut down on sleep to get time to exercise. And in the long run, even I can see that isn't going to do me any favours for the exams...

Therefore, you evil little voice screaming inside of me: NO. I'm not going to go running today. I look forward to a nice run tomorrow, but today I'm resting. That's healthy and normal and good for me. And you keep telling me I haven't been "useful" today therefore..? Well, instead of running I'll spend an hour in the sun with a friend. And I'll work hard with revision, since I'm really starting to feel a bit stressed. Those are genuinely "good" things for me, too. Stop being so black and white about everything. Just because I'm not running doesn't mean I'm not doing anything worthwhile. I just need to start prioritising myself, and realise that giving yourself time for yourself, time to rest and to interact socially is just as valuable as exercising- probably MORE valuable.

x

A bit of luxury

I feel like treating myself today. Now, this is rare. I very seldom want to buy anything for myself. Quite sad, really, because I wish I were the kind of person who could go out, buy something slightly extravagant once in a while and feel genuinely good afterwards. Happy. Satisfied. Instead, I've often felt pretty empty. Or if I did feel anything, more often than not it was guilt or shame for spending money on worthless things that didn't even make me feel that good.

Where am I going with this? Well, today I actually do feel like spoiling myself. And amazingly enough, I even know what I want! A few days ago, I got some samples of skincare products- cleanser, toner and stuff like that- and have been using them (quite sparingly) since then. And I love them! Feels great on my skin, and maybe it's just in my mind, but my face does look a teeny, tiny bit more fresh and clear in the mirror.

So I figure since this voice saying "I want" so rarely pops into my head, I should welcome this. Embrace the fact that I for once desire something and dare express it. Right now it's skincare products, maybe tomorrow it's food (not in the bingeing way, but just in a normal healthy way of wanting something tasty). Who knows?

I'm doing a few more hours of work now, then meeting up with a supervisor to go over a presentation I need to do (nervous!) and after that, I think a quick trip to the store will make me feel so much better about the late night revision I have to look forward to!

x

Black tie dinner

I'm off in just a little while. Really shouldn't even be posting this- I should be getting dressed! Haven't even decided what to wear yet!

But- I wanted to write in with a quick hello. I've had a quite up-and-down day. Bad because my work hasn't been going well at all. Can't focus, don't even know where to start with the many many things I need to do... But good, because I had a beautiful morning run and have this evening to look forward to. I don't even care that it's three courses plus cheese plus alcohol and calories all over the place. I'm going to enjoy the company and try to eat as much as I truly feel like. Normally, this scares me since I've been known to get back from an extravagant dinner and STILL binge. Which sends my anorectic self into hell. But tonight I feel much more relaxed- I haven't binged in over a week, and that is not just due to self-restraint. I feel like I'm starting to deal with the emotional issues causing me to reach for the cookies now. And so it feels easier to go eat a big dinner now, because I can fully enjoy it without finishing off with a destructive binge.

Have a lovely evening.

x

Just a quick morning post

I'm off to the library to work. All day. Except for a tiny break which I believe has to be outdoors, because this weather is just so beautiful it hurts to be inside.

Just wanted to check in and set an intent for this sunny April Friday. Today I want to face the day with a big smile and see how many smiles I can elicit back. I want to enjoy the day to the fullest. And on a more practical note, I'm going to have a nice big cappuccino with my sister without thinking even twice about it. Liquid calories have been a huge fear of mine. But honestly, it's just a bit of coffee topped off with some milk that is really only doing me good. It's strengthening my bones. And I want my bones to last and hold me up for a long time to come. So I'll truly enjoy that coffee, and more importantly, my sister's company.

That's my intent for today. What's yours?

x

What the hell?

Pardon my language. But as you know I've been cruising around these past few days in a newfound state of slightly introverted focus, where I try to tune into myself and really understand my emotions. Why do I want to eat or why don't I? What is food compensating for in my life? Or who am I trying to prove myself to when I restrict myself to feel like I'm being "good"?

Well, all that thinking is working really well. I feel more in touch with myself than for a long time. And so much calmer. A few days free of bingeing has already made me relax a bit. I feel myself starting to address the anorexia again, which I haven't done for ages since the overeating felt so much more intense. After all, I'd lived with anorexia for a few years before the binges came along and scared me senseless. However, now that I'm starting to feel more and more confident that I won't stuff myself at the end of the day, I'm beginning to think about really allowing myself to eat more during the day. Honestly, the only one affected by whether or not I have an extra banana or a latte or a yoghurt... is me. And I need to start taking care of me.

Anyway. I'm digressing. In my very thoughtful mode today (out in the gorgeous sunshine- I'm so excited, I've got tan lines!) I realised something quite annoying. Frustrating. Enfuriating.
I get angry with myself when I get hungry.
I know, that is a horrible thing to admit to. But it's true. And just writing it reinforces how crazy it is. My body is amazing. It's put up with years of self-torture and still carries me strong every day. I've demanded exercise and hard work from it without compensating it in the least, and it's obediently helped me out again and again. Yet when it asks me for just a little afternoon snack, I get angry.

I clearly have some more thinking to do.

x

Exercise-less

I really love to run. Honest to God. This is not something my anorexic self has convinced me of so that she can burn off more calories and torture me more efficiently. It's just a genuine passion of mine. Running for me- preferably early in the morning- is meditation. Time for myself. Thinking time, awakening time, energising time. It's one of the few times when I can appreciate my body and when I feel that body and mind connect. And it helps me with eating, because it makes me hungry and it makes me want to refuel.

But however much I love it, I can't do it every day.

This past week has been beautiful and sunny. I've wanted to go out every morning. And I have. Up until today. Exercise is great, but I realise that it can't be done everyday. That's borderline obsession. And going from a food obsession to exercise obsession just doesn't feel very appealing to me... I don't want this to become excessive.

I therefore tried to "trick" myself this morning. I set my alarm a bit later, so that I woke up at the time when I normally come back from my run. To discourage myself from putting on those running shoes. And I can tell you, it was hard! I stood like an indecisive idiot for a while, looking out at the sunny day, contemplating whether or not I should go out for a run anyway. I didn't in the end. I took a shower, and reasoned with myself that I could always go later in the afternoon if the urge was too overwhelming. But here's the good thing- once I got into my day and the afternoon came along, I felt fine. The habit of running in the morning made me crave it badly when I was just out of bed, but once I broke that habitual urge, it completely subsided.

So tonight I'm feeling pretty good. I gave my body a well-deserved rest, and I'm not feeling any urges to binge. I still have miles to go, but you've got to appreciate the small things.

How are you all doing?

Mamie x

From my kitchen window

It's getting dark outside and I'm tired of work. My mind keeps wandering, off to where my real focus is these days. On getting better. Finally freeing myself from this. It feels like it's within reach now. I've had cookies and chocolates in my room for days now without touching them. More importantly, without the desire to. And I've also given some serious thought to what I want from all this. I don't want to put myself back in a place where I don't eat anything, deny myself all things good and get anorexic again. As much as I must realise when I really don't feel like eating something, I must dare admit when I actually do.

I stood for a moment today just watching people on the street from my kitchen window. Walking by. So many people, so different and unique, each and every one. Their weight was such a small part of who they were for that brief moment they passed. If I had seen myself walking past, ten pounds more or less on my body would have made a very small difference to how I looked.

Today, for the first time in a very long time, the thought came to me for a split second. This weight obsession doesn't matter to anyone else in the whole world but me. Why complicate my life because of it?

Mamie x

Healing

Sorry for the poor updates. I've been feeling so weird lately- not necessarily in a bad way. I've just felt a very strong need to take care of myself, withdraw a bit, be on my own and simply allow myself to feel. I've known for so long that my battle with food has not been about food. Not at all. But it feels as if I haven't really started addressing just what it's actually been about until just now. So I haven't really been myself. I've been very... contemplative. Is that a word?

And even if I feel more vulnerable than ever before in my entire life, I think this is a really good thing. I think I'm starting to tap into myself a bit. I listen to my iPod whenever I go anywhere, basically shutting out the world so I can be alone with my thoughts. Extremely anti-social, but so helpful right now. I've been much more emotional and I've tried to really make sense of my own hunger signals (which are pretty lousy but still there, buried deep down somewhere, I hope!). The best part is that my evenings have been so peaceful. I haven't binged. One night I did eat more than I'd set out to initially, but it was different from how it normally is. I didn't hysterically eat more and more and more. I managed to stop. You know why? I think it was because I really thought about why I wanted those extra cookies. I'd been in thinking mode all day, so it was easy to continue analysing myself(normally I never have time to stop myself before the whole box of cookies is devoured). And when I accepted that I ate the cookies because I was feeling a bit down and lonely, my desire for them wasn't as great anymore.

I'm in a slightly difficult position, because I'm trying to recover from both binges and anorexia at the same time. Seems contradictory at first. But maybe it doesn't have to be. If I learn to really listen to my own body, my hunger and most importantly my emotions, then maybe I'll be able to free myself from both eating disorders. Because really, they both come from the same underlying problem, don't they?

Hope you're all well. Lots of love.

Mamie x

Keep going

Yesterday did go quite well. I lost some control just before going to bed- apples and a few cookies swallowed at an impressive speed- but I'm not going to be too hard on myself. I know why it happened and I should learn from it instead of feel awful about it. So, lesson learned? Don't let the day go by with too little food- even if I don't feel hungry, it will just result in a binge later on. My body will rebel against the anorexic control, and in all fairness it's actually entitled to do so. It takes me through so much, every day, and yet I expect it to live on next to nothing? A second lesson: don't reach for the apples when you know it's the cookies you're craving. You'll end up going for the cookies later on anyway, and feel a thousand times worse. A person with normal eating behaviour (does that exist anymore?) would eat whatever he/she desired at the moment. And then he/she would probably stop, because that desire would have been fulfilled.

For today, I'm keeping these things in mind. I started off the morning with a short run to get outdoors and get some fresh air, and it woke me up in the best of ways. Now I've had a solid breakfast and feel really satisfied, ready to start studying. And for lunch, I'm going out with a friend. I've made a promise to myself NOT to choose the food item on the menu with the least amount of calories. Whatever I pick should last me properly so I don't set myself up for a binge tonight. And it should be something I really have an appetite for. Although to be honest, my appetite is very difficult to interpret these days. I just don't know for sure what I want. Well, that's a whole new topic in itself...

Hope you have a really good day everyone!

Mamie x

Wednesday update

Today I'm not working out. Nor am I starving myself. Or bingeing. I'm trying very hard to make this a good day. So far it's looking alright:)

I don't want to be anorexic, but I don't want to overeat either. All I want is freedom from the thought prison I feel caught in most days. I want to eat throughout the day, feel comfortably full and then NOT think about food the rest of the time. Isn't it ironic how anorexics go around thinking about food constantly? Well, I think I've done my fair share of that now- time to move on and think about life, relationships, things that actually matter.

So today. No exercise. It's not healthy to work out every single day. It's just a sick way of calming my conscience. And I'm trying to eat "normally". Just pretending I'm normal can sometimes work. Today I'm not Mamie who always tries to eat as little as possible- I'm a strong, healthy, active young woman who needs energy to lead the busy life she has.

I'm feeling optimistic.

Mamie x

Comfort- for what?

Travelling today, I spent some airport time browsing the magazine stands and found countless covers with promises of weight loss, look-your-best, get flat abs etc. I don't blame the media for my ED, but it sure isn't making it easier to recover. Letting go of the body obsession and finding your inner worth becomes all the while harder when you're bombarded with the message that all that really matters is appearance. Preferably a thin and well-toned one.

One magazine claimed to have the solution to giving up comfort eating. I quickly flipped to that page, to get an idea of what they had in mind. Anorexia recovery joined with recent bursts of bingeing (fortunately no purging though) has made me acutely aware that I need to somehow find balance in my eating. But there wasn't anything new in that magazine. Keep a food diary. Find other ways to feel good. Don't buy that food you can't keep away from.

I put the magazine back. I'm sorry, but I'm not a stupid girl and I still struggle with these things. It's not as easy as they make it out to be! The last advice, for example. Of course I shouldn't buy chocolate when I know it can set me up for a late night binge. Duh. The kernel of the problem for me isn't that I buy it. It's WHY I buy it. What is it about that purchase that makes me feel comforted? What is it I don't allow myself that makes me feel the need to compensate with a chocolate treat? Food? Intimacy? Spontaneity? Relaxing? Failing? And why can't I allow myself this thing, whatever it is?

Mamie x

Not so bad

I buried myself in work today. Tried to focus on something else besides the furious anorexic voice trying to make me panic. And I got through. Even had a quite nice day in the end. I'm going back to uni tomorrow, so the whole family had dinner together to say goodbye for now. Normally that makes me claustrophobic- nowhere to hide, food abundant and always dessert. But tonight I was thankfully okay and just enjoyed the family moment.

Earlier today, after my shower, another thing made me question my immense feelings of panic. I saw myself in the mirror and didn't hate what I saw, as I would have expected. I wasn't fat or disgusting because I ate too much last night. Truth be told, I thought I looked quite good. I'm having a hard time dealing with gaining weight lately, but why? I've started to look good. I've actually got a hint of curves now. So who cares what the scales tell me? Those are just numbers. In reality, it's really not that bad. It may in fact be very good.

Mamie x

It's not the end of the world...

Mornings can be so weird. I either wake up and feel great, usually when I've had little to eat the day before, or I feel like a huge failure and walk around with a dark cloud hovering over me. Living at home for a few days makes it worse now, because I have to act normal no matter what. Today- how would they understand why I'm upset? They see the recovering anorexic side of me. I eat in moderation, but much better than I have in the past. The other side, that new horrible binge side that took me by surprise when it first came, is something I hide. So how could they understand that I really have to struggle to eat my breakfast as normal today, when I'm panicking on the inside from the irrational fear that I'll blow up to the size of the Michelin man.

I know this all comes from ED. And that makes me so angry. Why do I let my day be defined by how much or little I had to eat the day before? It's absurd. A few pounds up or down shouldn't contain my entire self-worth. I need to let go. Today is a new day, and I'm done having it be about food. Aside from food/anxiety/weight panic- how am I doing this Sunday?

Mamie x

Late night- first post

Hello void.

I swore I'd never write a blog. But sometimes you get desperate. Know that feeling? When you'll do just about anything to keep busy, just to avoid thinking about the hard stuff or stuffing yourself with the good stuff?

Tonight was just yet another night. I've been here before, in this very same position, countless times. And yet again, I make a promise to myself: this was the last time. Well, obviously I haven't kept that promise in the past. But tonight will be different. I'm making it official here- even if absolutely nobody knows about this blog, it still feels important to make my statement. I've had it. I'm through. From now on, I will start facing reality. I know EDs aren't about food- but that doesn't mean I've figured out what mine are about. All I know is I hate them. Time to break free.

Are you with me? Anyone?

Mamie x