Mornings can be so weird. I either wake up and feel great, usually when I've had little to eat the day before, or I feel like a huge failure and walk around with a dark cloud hovering over me. Living at home for a few days makes it worse now, because I have to act normal no matter what. Today- how would they understand why I'm upset? They see the recovering anorexic side of me. I eat in moderation, but much better than I have in the past. The other side, that new horrible binge side that took me by surprise when it first came, is something I hide. So how could they understand that I really have to struggle to eat my breakfast as normal today, when I'm panicking on the inside from the irrational fear that I'll blow up to the size of the Michelin man.
I know this all comes from ED. And that makes me so angry. Why do I let my day be defined by how much or little I had to eat the day before? It's absurd. A few pounds up or down shouldn't contain my entire self-worth. I need to let go. Today is a new day, and I'm done having it be about food. Aside from food/anxiety/weight panic- how am I doing this Sunday?
Mamie x
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