Healing

Sorry for the poor updates. I've been feeling so weird lately- not necessarily in a bad way. I've just felt a very strong need to take care of myself, withdraw a bit, be on my own and simply allow myself to feel. I've known for so long that my battle with food has not been about food. Not at all. But it feels as if I haven't really started addressing just what it's actually been about until just now. So I haven't really been myself. I've been very... contemplative. Is that a word?

And even if I feel more vulnerable than ever before in my entire life, I think this is a really good thing. I think I'm starting to tap into myself a bit. I listen to my iPod whenever I go anywhere, basically shutting out the world so I can be alone with my thoughts. Extremely anti-social, but so helpful right now. I've been much more emotional and I've tried to really make sense of my own hunger signals (which are pretty lousy but still there, buried deep down somewhere, I hope!). The best part is that my evenings have been so peaceful. I haven't binged. One night I did eat more than I'd set out to initially, but it was different from how it normally is. I didn't hysterically eat more and more and more. I managed to stop. You know why? I think it was because I really thought about why I wanted those extra cookies. I'd been in thinking mode all day, so it was easy to continue analysing myself(normally I never have time to stop myself before the whole box of cookies is devoured). And when I accepted that I ate the cookies because I was feeling a bit down and lonely, my desire for them wasn't as great anymore.

I'm in a slightly difficult position, because I'm trying to recover from both binges and anorexia at the same time. Seems contradictory at first. But maybe it doesn't have to be. If I learn to really listen to my own body, my hunger and most importantly my emotions, then maybe I'll be able to free myself from both eating disorders. Because really, they both come from the same underlying problem, don't they?

Hope you're all well. Lots of love.

Mamie x