A little bit low

Yep. That's how I feel today. And I can't even say why. Nothing's wrong, really. Things are going quite well. I haven't binged for nearly two weeks now, and I don't worry that I'll start anytime soon. I've lost the urge, and this is amazing. But I'm still not feeling great.

Is it the anorexia? Thinking that she now has a place in my life again, so therefore wanting to poke her head in? I don't know. What I do know is that the last thing I want to invite into my life is anorexia (again), so I need to work hard with myself now. Try to find joy in everyday life. Try to reach out more- I feel so much more alive when I manage to be social and open up. The only problem is that this is revision period, and people aren't particularly sociable right now, myself included. Anything more than a short break from the library feels excessive. But I'll try.

I also need to slowly improve my eating. Start applying the mindful eating that seems to have saved me from bingeing to the anorexia instead. I need to be more spontaneous. If I feel like an extra roll of bread for dinner, that's okay. Right now, anything extra seems horribly forbidden. But until I start really playing along with my body and listening to my own cues, I will just keep this separation between body and mind forever. This is the time to unite them. My own inner picture of myself is as the person I used to be. Strong, vibrant, healthy, happy, full of energy. Didn't care about food at all- I had to eat loads to keep up with my busy life! Then control and obsession and depression entered. But I still see myself as that strong and confident girl, just trapped in a too slim body that makes her look weak in the eyes of others. I'm dying to make the outer fit the inner picture. NOW.

x