What the hell?

Pardon my language. But as you know I've been cruising around these past few days in a newfound state of slightly introverted focus, where I try to tune into myself and really understand my emotions. Why do I want to eat or why don't I? What is food compensating for in my life? Or who am I trying to prove myself to when I restrict myself to feel like I'm being "good"?

Well, all that thinking is working really well. I feel more in touch with myself than for a long time. And so much calmer. A few days free of bingeing has already made me relax a bit. I feel myself starting to address the anorexia again, which I haven't done for ages since the overeating felt so much more intense. After all, I'd lived with anorexia for a few years before the binges came along and scared me senseless. However, now that I'm starting to feel more and more confident that I won't stuff myself at the end of the day, I'm beginning to think about really allowing myself to eat more during the day. Honestly, the only one affected by whether or not I have an extra banana or a latte or a yoghurt... is me. And I need to start taking care of me.

Anyway. I'm digressing. In my very thoughtful mode today (out in the gorgeous sunshine- I'm so excited, I've got tan lines!) I realised something quite annoying. Frustrating. Enfuriating.
I get angry with myself when I get hungry.
I know, that is a horrible thing to admit to. But it's true. And just writing it reinforces how crazy it is. My body is amazing. It's put up with years of self-torture and still carries me strong every day. I've demanded exercise and hard work from it without compensating it in the least, and it's obediently helped me out again and again. Yet when it asks me for just a little afternoon snack, I get angry.

I clearly have some more thinking to do.

x